How To Deal With Chocolate Related Sore Stomachs – A Random Wisdom

On a shelf in our living room where Jae and ElDad store books they never read I have lined up my collection of Easter eggs.

Mmmmmmmm...... Choccy.....

I have 7 (plus 2 mini creme egg sized ones) in total including a Dr Who one, a Glee one (with free mug!), a Galaxy one and a Creme Egg one.
I’m not intending to eat them ALL on easter sunday alone however I am going to eat A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what do you do to avoid that dreadful sore feeling you get after stuffing yourself with the sweet stuff?

Errrrrrrr… Nothing! That’s the best bit!

Happy Easter from us and our glasses!

El 🙂

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April 7, 2012. Tags: , , , . Random wisdoms, Stuff we love, Top Tips. 1 comment.

Children’s book review: Pegasus and the Flame by Kate O’Hearn

Today we have a guest review from Eye, El’s 8 year old brother, and a tip for how you can get free kids’ books.

A while ago, Eye read about the Hachette children’s books review crew in the back of one of his How to Train Your Dragon books. We went on to the website and filled in his details. We didn’t expect to hear anything else, but then a package arrived with a free book for Eye! He was so pleased.

Eye received Pegasus and the Flame by Kate O’Hearn

It was quite long for a children’s book (over 350 pages), but he read it all and this is his review:

Eye says:

“I like that this book has two stories – one of them is myth, and one of them is in real life New York. Then some of the mythical stuff comes to New York city. Pegasus the winged horse crashes on to a roof and another man crashes on to the streets and another mythical person crashes in to Central Park.

The characters are trying to save Olympus before the Olympic flame burns out. This is an exciting story with lots of action. Boys and girls aged 9 and over would like this book. Some of the words I found a bit hard but I kept reading because it’s a good story.”

So it’s a big thumbs up from Eye for this book, and a recommendation for the review crew if you are interested in reviewing new children’s books.

April 2, 2012. Tags: , , , . Reviews, Stuff we love, Top Tips. 1 comment.

Eljae’s guide to modern day manners

For anyone unsure about modern manners, we have prepared this handy guide:

Bad manners are:

  • Putting your face in your food and munching like a cat
  • Meaniness. Not just with money but general horribleness and rudeness
  • Recounting your every fart and sigh on Facebook
  • If someone tells you a story and forgets that they’ve told it to you before, DON’T SAY You’ve already told me this because that will make them feel bad and like they’re losing their mind.
  • Saying OMG THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE! when somebody suggests the next book for Book Group, even if it does.
  • Meeting someone you only know from their Twitter picture and saying OMG YOU ARE 10 YEARS OLDER AND 3 STONE BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!
  • Shouting STOP SMOKING into someones phone when they’re trying to call their mum. And they’re under the legal age to smoke. And NOT ACTUALLY SMOKING.
  • TALKING WHEN EL IS WATCHING WATCHDOG!!!!!!!!!!!

Good manners are:

  • Saying Thank You (even if you don’t like the present)
  • Saying Thank you for a lovely tea to your mum or dad, even if you didn’t like it all that much. At least they fed you.
  • Thanking people on Twitter for a RT (retweet)
  • Bringing home a packet of Liquorice Allsorts for Jae
  • Smiling. But not creepily
  • Linking to great blog posts
  • Using the correct cutlery. Except a soup spoon, no one knows what that is.
  • Keeping quiet when El is watching Watchdog
  • Cleaning up your dog’s poop


 

(Please) Do you have anything to add to our manners guide? (Thank you)

El & Jae
Politely asking

March 15, 2012. Tags: , , , . Top Tips. Leave a comment.

Top 10 things to do for free in the school holidays

Are you bored of half term yet? Have you run out of cash? Here is our handy guide to things you can do for free in the school holidays:

  • Stare at people and try to read their minds and freak them out a bit.
  • Edit a newspaper. You will need a black marker for this.

    New, improved version

  • Steal/borrow an iPhone and play some games. Fruit Ninja and Dragonvale are both good free games.
  • Make weird, moany noises just for the heck of it.
  • Just stay in bed all day. Make sure you have books and snacks nearby, or a slave to bring them to you.
  • Talk to a toddler, preferably one you know. Every thing they say is really sweet, plus their parents will be grateful to you for occupying them.
  • Stroke a cat until he gets annoyed, then run for your life.
  • Go into an Apple store and play on all the stuff, then leave without buying anything
  • Do your homework (this is the nuclear option, only to be done in the most extreme cases of boredom).
  • Tidy your bedroom (see above)

El & Jae.

February 15, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Top Tips. 2 comments.

What to say if someone at school calls you a nerd

It has come to my attention that there are people in this world who do not know that nerds have inherited the earth. These children may call their classmates nerds and intend it to be an insult. This is wrong.

So if someone at school calls you a nerd, here are some examples of how to respond:

  • I’m a nerd, you’re a turd. Which is better?
  • Yeah, and?
  • Have you only just noticed?
  • Actually I’m a geek but thank you for the compliment.
  • You’ll be working for me one day so please remember that I like my burger well done.
  • Thank you! For a second I thought I was a bit like you!
  • I’d rather be a nerd than a jerk any day
  • At least the brain store was open when I went there
  • Phew! Thank god! At least I won’t end up on the Jeremy Kyle show when I’m older, unlike you.
  • Great, so I’m just like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Doctor Who combined.
  • Yes I know. State the obvious, why don’t you?
  • Wow! A retro insult! Are you having a 1970’s theme day or something?
  • I’m going to tell my nerdy mother you said that, and she’s going to bop you on the head with her BEST SELLING BOOK

Or best of all, just ignore it and walk away. Don’t give headspace to bullies, they don’t deserve it.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for input on this. Nerds unite, geeks always prosper.

Jae.
From one nerd to another

February 6, 2012. Tags: , . Rants, Top Tips. 10 comments.

How not to do online shopping

Green gobblin'

This week I discovered that 1 kg of broccoli is not the same as 1 head of broccoli.

If you were shopping in the supermarket you would know this, but with online shopping it’s hard to tell. Even though you only have to count up to one, there’s still the potential for it all to go horribly wrong.

 

Anybody want a tiny tree?

Jae.

January 29, 2012. Tags: , , . Rants, Top Tips. 4 comments.

Top tips – How to do radio interviews

Radio Gaga

The good news is – I have been asked to go on BBC radio to talk about my book and answer questions on a phone in.

The bad news is – it’s in the middle of the night.

El says not to worry as “you won’t be heard by normal people”. She has also given me this advice:

  • Start off in a squeaky voice and get deeper and deeper as the interview progresses
  • Don’t do it drunk
  • Bring a book so if you don’t know the answer you can look it up
  • Don’t get bored and start screaming out swear words
  • Don’t bring in a radio so you can listen to yourself on the radio, as it is very confusing and the world might explode
  • Do wear a fake moustache because no one can see you
  • Do give the microphone a hug and say “I’m hugging all you lovely people” and then cry

So as long as I can remember all that, it should be OK

Wish me luck!

Jae.

January 24, 2012. Tags: , , . Top Tips. Leave a comment.

Text Speak – A guide for grown ups written by kids (well a kid).

 
Luv u lots

Hello!
Are you a grown up?
Do you not understand text speak?
Are you constantly asking yourself  ‘Why has my child who can spell perfectly well sent me a text saying: Hi mum goin out wiv frnd plz giv cash i iz broke send me a txt ASAP luv u lol. What does it all mean?!’

If the answer to all these questions is yes then please read on…

The reason why kids use Text Speak is because typing on a mobile phone can be extremely hard. On my mobile phone I have to tap a button 4 times in quick succession to get the letter S. Blackberrys have minute buttons. iPhones on the other hand I personally find rather easy to use and if i ever text on either my mum or dad’s phone I don’t use text speak at all (mostly).  However many people are not lucky enough to own this Apple luxury and resort to making words shorter to save time and effort. And thus Text Speak was born.

Another few reasons:
1. It looks funny
2. It annoys adults.
3. If aliens ever invade they won’t konw what we are going on about.
4. Also it is useful if you are a spy
5. Recent studys show that cats and giant pandas understand text speak. (I may have made that up.)
6. It looks coolr. Lol 🙂

A few bits of vocabulary:

Iz=is
tu=to
lol= laugh out loud (not loads of lard as Jae thought it was)
goin=going
wiv=with
giv=give
frnd=friend
plz=please
u=you
y=why
txt=text

Saved by the text!

 

asap=as soon as possible
luv=love
ROFL=Rolling On the Floor Laughing
ROFLMAO= Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off
FML= F**k My Life
WTF= What The F**k
: ) = A Smiley face.
❤ = a heart.
OMG= Oh My God
IPM = I’ve Peed Myself
ISM = I’ve Pooed Myself
TMHM plz = Take Me Home Mum please

El

January 19, 2012. Tags: , , . Top Tips. 12 comments.

A top tip about hair

The more hair you have, the happier you are!

Hair today, hopefully not gone tomorrow

This does not mean that people who are bald are unhappy, just that they would be more happy if they had more hair (mabye, it’s just a theory I have developed after watching The Simpsons).
El.

January 17, 2012. Tags: . Top Tips. Leave a comment.

Alternatives to teeth – A rant about dentists

Chomp chomp

We ALL had to go to the dentist’s this week. El and Jae had fillings, ElDad had a whole new tooth and Eye and Dennis the cat were super smug because they didn’t need to go. It was NO FUN AT ALL.

Honestly, what is the point of the dentist’s? Instead of teeth you could have

  • Cheese carved into the shape of teeth
    This would also be useful if you needed a snack
  • Wooden teeth
    If it was good enough for people in history then why not?
  • Plastic chattery teeth with little feet that walk across the table
    Might be a bit uncomfortable but you would never get bored
  • Tiny iPods
    So you could listen to music in your head
  • Lego bricks
    Would be nice and colourful but possibly get stuck together
  • Alternate blocks of salt and sugar
    It might taste a bit odd but it would look nice and white and you could easily break a bit off if you needed some sugar for your cup of tea or salt for your chips.
  • Very mini mobile phones
    You could dial a number by chattering your teeth, then the noise of the phone would come out of your mouth. Very useful if you got lost.
  • Miniature hot water bottles
    For people with cold mouths.
  • Small flowers
    Very pretty and would smell nice so good for people with bad breath.
  • A piece of paper folded up very small with a short story written on it
    So if you got bored you could take it out and read it.
  • Tiny people
    This is for the future when people can be miniaturised. So for example you could have a tiny Stephen Fry in your head and if you needed a witty comment he could help.

What do you suggest would be good alternatives to teeth?

El & Jae.

January 15, 2012. Tags: , . Rants, Top Tips. 1 comment.

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