How not to do online shopping

Green gobblin'

This week I discovered that 1 kg of broccoli is not the same as 1 head of broccoli.

If you were shopping in the supermarket you would know this, but with online shopping it’s hard to tell. Even though you only have to count up to one, there’s still the potential for it all to go horribly wrong.


Anybody want a tiny tree?



January 29, 2012. Tags: , , . Rants, Top Tips. 4 comments.

Alternatives to teeth – A rant about dentists

Chomp chomp

We ALL had to go to the dentist’s this week. El and Jae had fillings, ElDad had a whole new tooth and Eye and Dennis the cat were super smug because they didn’t need to go. It was NO FUN AT ALL.

Honestly, what is the point of the dentist’s? Instead of teeth you could have

  • Cheese carved into the shape of teeth
    This would also be useful if you needed a snack
  • Wooden teeth
    If it was good enough for people in history then why not?
  • Plastic chattery teeth with little feet that walk across the table
    Might be a bit uncomfortable but you would never get bored
  • Tiny iPods
    So you could listen to music in your head
  • Lego bricks
    Would be nice and colourful but possibly get stuck together
  • Alternate blocks of salt and sugar
    It might taste a bit odd but it would look nice and white and you could easily break a bit off if you needed some sugar for your cup of tea or salt for your chips.
  • Very mini mobile phones
    You could dial a number by chattering your teeth, then the noise of the phone would come out of your mouth. Very useful if you got lost.
  • Miniature hot water bottles
    For people with cold mouths.
  • Small flowers
    Very pretty and would smell nice so good for people with bad breath.
  • A piece of paper folded up very small with a short story written on it
    So if you got bored you could take it out and read it.
  • Tiny people
    This is for the future when people can be miniaturised. So for example you could have a tiny Stephen Fry in your head and if you needed a witty comment he could help.

What do you suggest would be good alternatives to teeth?

El & Jae.

January 15, 2012. Tags: , . Rants, Top Tips. 1 comment.

School days – the happiest days of your life?

I had a scary dream about school last night. Which is all very well and good, but I am the mother in this mothership and haven’t been to school in about 20 years.

In the dream I had turned up in the wrong uniform, so I had to get changed. As I tried to do this, my arms got tangled up in my jumper and the clothes just wouldn’t seem to go on. It wound itself round and round my head as I seemed to have lost the ability to get dressed. Then I realised that the rest of my class could see me half-dressed, and were laughing at me. And then I walked out and it turned out that I was the only one in uniform after all.

Classic anxiety dream. I was so relieved to wake up

Ever since El turned 12 I have been trying to remember what life was like when I was 12.

I think I’ve been trying too hard.



January 4, 2012. Rants. Leave a comment.

Last Day of the School Holidays

Tomorrow I am back at my new secondary school. I will rise at stupid o’clock, ariving about 20-15 minutes before school starts and get back roughly 40 minutes after it ended. Oh how I love the bus time table.

After form time what is my first lesson? PE the best lesson in the world. I adore the ache in my bones as I return to history. Then I will have to hand the home work I had all the holidays to complete and only finished today. It is about the murder of a woman hundreds of years ago. I had to finish off an essay that included all the gory details.

Then after a 20 minute break (of which about 10 mins will be spent in a claustrophobic queue) we have science. I’ve been enjoying science more in this school with my new teacher. Unfortunately our current topic is reproduction and puberty. Nice.

Then after lunch (most of which will be spent in the library which has another fancier name but is still just a library.) is RE. Our teacher loves to tell us the reason why people belive in a god is somthing to do with dominoes. Don’t ask. In our last lesson he showed us the start of Bruce Almighty which although very funny involved the F word and middle finger trumpets. Mabye there shouldn’t be so much swearing in front of 11 and 12 year olds. We hear and say it outside of the classroom but still…

Finally english. I actually really like my english teacher but my classmates are always mucking around and shouting out in english. We never get any work done. 😦

Finally the day is over, after riding on a bus filled with rowdy kids filling themselves up with sugar. Did I mention that right next to our school is a convenience store filled with sweets?  I hate the way school consumes my life. I change my sleeping patterns because of it, I spend hours a day there. I’m never away from it, homework is always a weight on my mind. Right now I’m worried that I’ll forget my homework or my history book. What if I leave my PE kit at home or my bus ticket? Sometimes education can feel like a bit much.


January 2, 2012. Rants. Leave a comment.

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