This is a horror story by El, rated 12, so not suitable for anyone younger than that. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY SCARED OR PRONE TO THE CREEPS.
Note from El: I’m not sure why Jae is so scared I don’t think it’s THAT scary!
Murder in Time for Tea
My friends are dead and the murderer is still at large.
I went to all of their funerals. Emily was the first, then Suzie, then Debbie and finally nerdy little Eddie. Emily’s body was found rotting in a field that me and my mother used to hike through. Suzie suffocated in an air proof cupboard at her school. Debbie was found in her home with a massive grin on her face. It seems she died laughing. Finally Eddie, in the school library, reading his book. The librarian glanced his way and his book had had page after page ripped out and stuffed in his mouth choking him, killing him.
The police inspected the bodies. Emily’s was too far dead for anything much to be found. Suzie had bruises on her arm and the police verdict was that she had been shoved, pushed, forced in. A school child prank gone too far? Or deliberate? It wasn’t clear what Debbie had been laughing at but many suspect Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy. Nobody should watch that show. It’s just too darn funny. Eddie clearly died in pain, with paper cutting his throat. Not a nice way to go.
Am I the next victim? If the pattern continues then it seems so. But maybe not. They were starting to exclude me, leave me out and I found it hard to make new friends. Maybe whoever decided them as its victims never noticed me. A sadistic murderer looking into a playground noting its victims, yet not seeing me, hunched up in a corner reading Black Beauty. Perhaps you would say I’m lucky.
I survived. I’m never lonely at school. Some kind soul is always there to comfort me even if I need no comfort.
Like I need their pity. I was the one who killed my friends. They were always leaving me out. One day they were huddled in a group talking to each other. I crept behind them, ready to sneak into the huddle and be included. Then I heard whispers.
“Urgh don’t you all just hate Jo?” I gasped silently. For Jo was me. Or Joanne if you would like my full name. They continued “I pretend to be nice to her but she’s such a weed! Nerdy, annoying, sneaky, snotty and she thinks I actually like her!” A silent tear slipped down my face as they all agreed. It was unclear to me as to who was saying these cutting words but that didn’t matter. They all had to go.
Emily was first and she was probably the hardest. After attempts at strangling, stabbing and hitting a combination of them killed her. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even scream. I scrunched her up in a picnic basket and discreetly dumped her as my Mother hiked ahead of me enthusiastically.
I won’t give you the details of everyone one else. I’m running out of time. The police are coming to get me. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve completed my work. Goodbye. Goodbye…
El and Jae
Don’t have nightmares!
Tonight we are live blogging The Brit Awards. This is a music awards show on ITV1 from 8-10pm.
The first thing Jae notices is that it’s probably wise to have a pee before you watch a two hour show. Jae has not had a pee. This could all go badly wrong.
8pm: El says: Coldplay, didn’t they split up? Or was that Westlife?
8:01pm: El says OMG IT’S BORING ALREADY!
8:03pm Eldad wonders if James Corden is going to do the hump
8:05pm El marks down Adele because of poor spelling – it should be You’re not Your
8:07pm El wonders what Florence’s machine does. Eldad informs her it’s a waffle machine. We all wonder who those people are behind Florence and if they’ve come to fix the waffle machine.
8:10pm Dennis the cat has run away after that last big honk from Florence.
8:16pm El greets Kylie Minogue: Oh look, it’s the tiny one with the sister who used to be on the X Factor.
8:20pm Jae wonders what time the dead sheep gets chucked.
8:22pm Women dancing with Olly Murs are wearing bum cages. We worry about what will happen when they need to defecate. Oh hang on, some of the others have got capes. Must be for clearing up the inevitable mess.
8:24pm Rizzle Kicks yeah! Not much effort on the clothes though – did they steal those T shirts off their mums?
8:28pm El blows such a large raspberry at Ed Sheeran that it hurts her face. Also claims her ears are hurt by his ‘notes’, and too casual use of the LEGO registered brand name.
8:34pm Oh wow what a coincidence that there’s an ad for somebody’s album in the ad break after they’ve performed. Spooky almost.
8:39pm Horrendous faux pas from One Direction as they use picking up award as chance to plug tour. NO NO NO LITTLE BOYS WITH TIGHT SUITS & BAD HAIR. That is not how it’s done. Have some frickin’ manners and humility. And trousers that fit.
8:41pm When a winner says “This is for you”, they only really mean it in the sense that they’re taking it home and reaping the rewards. Apart from that, it’s all yours.
8:45pm That Coldplay feller has popped up to bother Noel Gallagher. Jae remembers when every Brits musical number was a cross-artiste collaboration. Marc Almond honking at Dolly Parton, them were the days.
8:50pm El has gone to bed and Jae has gone for a pee. Luckily this blog pretty much writes itself.
8:57pm What is Huey from Fun Lovin’ Criminals doing here? Jae saw them live way back in the century before last. Who’s next, Echo & the Bunnymen?
8:58pm Sadly not
21:06pm We (El has returned) loved Adele. Much better than Prince Harry and his LEGO.
21:09pm El has gone to bed for the second, and last, time. BYE BYE EL.
21:10pm BYE BYE EL. No you can’t stay up any more, on account of having to be up for school at stupid o’ clock in the morning.
21:13pm Foo Fighters WIN Hurray! The only band to have been in Nirvana, The Muppets and Jae’s record collection. Yes I know that records are extinct, but MP3 downloads is hardly prosaic, is it?
21:15pm Prince Harry wins again, and he hasn’t even bothered to nit comb. Dave Grohl was so busy nit combing he couldn’t even pick up his award. And Bruno Mars is a fine example of what you can do when you nit comb with hair gel.
21:19pm Not so sure about the cabaret version Bruno Mars. If John Barrowman was there he’d take that as an invitation to perform.
21:25pm Eldad has stalked off in a huff muttering about the state of the British pop industry. After that he plans to do the washing up and listen to Kurt Weill. Only Jae is left, with the telly and the bugs in the wall.
21:30pm Lana Del Ray. Nope, no idea.
21:33pm Oh no how embarrassing, Rihanna’s forgotten her trousers! Everyone can see her pants, that’s like most people’s worst nightmare.
21:39pm Blur win Band Most Likely To Smell of Cheese.
21:45pm Weep at the sight of Yoda in an advert I will.
21:48pm Eldad would like to point out that he was listening to Kurt Vile, not Kurt Weill. Nope, no idea. He’s done the washing up though, that’s the main thing.
21:50pm Jae wants what George Michael’s having.
21:52pm Blur start playing to the whole room booing. That wasn’t awkward at all! Mine’s a pint of George Michaels – cheers all round.
21:57pm Blur still going and sounding a LOT like when the dads get a band together for the school summer fair.
22:00pm Also a lot like when a covers band plays in the pub down the road and we can hear it from six doors away.
And that was The Brits 2012. Always a little bit more rubbish than you expect it to be. The only consolation is, next year will be worse. Thank you and goodnight.
Are you bored of half term yet? Have you run out of cash? Here is our handy guide to things you can do for free in the school holidays:
- Stare at people and try to read their minds and freak them out a bit.
- Edit a newspaper. You will need a black marker for this.
- Steal/borrow an iPhone and play some games. Fruit Ninja and Dragonvale are both good free games.
- Make weird, moany noises just for the heck of it.
- Just stay in bed all day. Make sure you have books and snacks nearby, or a slave to bring them to you.
- Talk to a toddler, preferably one you know. Every thing they say is really sweet, plus their parents will be grateful to you for occupying them.
- Stroke a cat until he gets annoyed, then run for your life.
- Go into an Apple store and play on all the stuff, then leave without buying anything
- Do your homework (this is the nuclear option, only to be done in the most extreme cases of boredom).
- Tidy your bedroom (see above)
El & Jae.
Am I Nothing?????????????????????????
If you are a kid, the only episode of Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy suitable to watch is Episode 2. The rest are too sweary, apparently.
So you will have to watch them when your parents aren’t looking, or when you are pretending to do homework on the computer.
Not that I would do that! Ha ha ha……..
For my birthday last December Jae gave me the gift of Jessie Hearts NYC by Keris Stainton. Well she is twitter buddies with the author. A few of my friends had read it too so I gathered some questions and Jae emailed Keris. Here is our awesome interview with the author.
Why are you so amazing?
Wow, what a question! Thank you! Well, I don’t think I am, I think I’m very ordinary almost all of the time.
What’s the hardest part of writing a book?
The hardest part for me is the rewriting. I finish the first draft and feel quite excited about it, then I read over it and am filled with horror at how rubbish it is. So then I start making notes and rewriting and trying to make it all better and as I’m doing that there’s ALWAYS a point where I think I can’t possibly do it. You know when you’re playing a game and you’re losing and you want to throw the board in the air? That’s how I feel when I’m writing a book. “Oh just FORGET IT!!!!” (But I’ve learned that if I keep going it gets easier and I can finish it after all.)
What inspired you to write Jessie Hearts NYC?
The main inspiration was New York. I absolutely love the place and really wanted to set a book there. And then I was listening to a song called If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz – it’s about a boy who’s in love with his best friend’s girlfriend and I really loved that idea. And then Finn just popped into my head, wearing a tux, holding a bunch of red roses and trying to flag down a cab in Times Square.
Do any of your books relate to your life?
There are always little things I take from real life. Della’s dad, (from her first book Della Says OMG!) for instance, is quite a lot like my dad – he used to sing “A pretty girl is like a melody” when we were going out – but he didn’t have a deli and my mum wasn’t a model. I went to The View revolving restaurant in New York and did actually get confused about the bathrooms like Jessie does. The next book after Emma is set in Italy and that one probably relates to my life the closest, because the main character’s dad has just died and I wrote it not longer after my dad died, but everything else in that book is made up.
Why did you decide to become a writer?
I always really loved writing, but for some reason I never thought about being a writer. Actually, I did want to be a journalist, but I never thought of writing a novel. And then one day, when I was about 25, it just popped into my head – “I should write a novel!” – and once I thought of it, I couldn’t believe it hadn’t occurred to me sooner! I started trying to write one straight away, but it was rubbish. In fact, I think it took another eight years for me to finish a book I was happy with. Luckily that book got me my agent and publisher!
What was your favourite book when you were 12 and can you recommend some for us?
When I was 12, I was obsessed with these teen romances called Sweet Dreams books. You can read all about them here. I don’t think I’d be writing the books I write now if I hadn’t read so many Sweet Dreams books. I wouldn’t exactly recommend them (I’ve reread a few recently and they’re a bit rubbish) but my favourite was Thinking of You by Jeanette Nobile.
There’s so much fantastic YA fiction out now – teens are so lucky. My favourites are Split By a Kiss by Luisa Plaja, Girl Meets Cake by Susie Day, Fly on the Wall by E Lockhart, The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot and A Bad Boy Can Be Good for a Girl by Tanya Lee Stone, which is written in verse, but you shouldn’t let that put you off because you stop noticing and it’s just wonderful.
El’s review of Jessie Hearts NYC by Keris Stainton
I really enjoyed reading this book! It’s all about this girl called Jessie who goes to visit her mother in New York with her best friend and a New Yorker called Finn who’s in love with his best friend’s girl friend. I loved hearing about NY because it’s a place I would love to visit. All in all it’s a very good book that I would recommend.
There was nothing wrong with the book, I couldn’t fault it. It’s perfect in every way and a cracking good read!!!
It has come to my attention that there are people in this world who do not know that nerds have inherited the earth. These children may call their classmates nerds and intend it to be an insult. This is wrong.
So if someone at school calls you a nerd, here are some examples of how to respond:
- I’m a nerd, you’re a turd. Which is better?
- Yeah, and?
- Have you only just noticed?
- Actually I’m a geek but thank you for the compliment.
- You’ll be working for me one day so please remember that I like my burger well done.
- Thank you! For a second I thought I was a bit like you!
- I’d rather be a nerd than a jerk any day
- At least the brain store was open when I went there
- Phew! Thank god! At least I won’t end up on the Jeremy Kyle show when I’m older, unlike you.
- Great, so I’m just like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Doctor Who combined.
- Yes I know. State the obvious, why don’t you?
- Wow! A retro insult! Are you having a 1970′s theme day or something?
- I’m going to tell my nerdy mother you said that, and she’s going to bop you on the head with her BEST SELLING BOOK
Or best of all, just ignore it and walk away. Don’t give headspace to bullies, they don’t deserve it.
Thanks to my friends on Twitter for input on this. Nerds unite, geeks always prosper.
From one nerd to another
I do not like homework because
- It takes up all your time when you are already tired
- Children already work hard enough at school as it is
- Adults do not have to do homework, so it is not getting you ready for life as a grown up
- Some of it is what you’ve already done in school so you already know it and therefore it is pointless
- It is never fun stuff that you would want to do
- Homework means that you are never away from school. Even in the holidays it is there like a great big weight on your mind
- It’s really stressful
- Some kids cheat and get their parents to do it
- Homework makes me lose the ability to speak and instead I just go Eh like a baby
- Homework makes me pull this face:
Please sign below in the comments if you agree that homework should be banned