This week I discovered that 1 kg of broccoli is not the same as 1 head of broccoli.
If you were shopping in the supermarket you would know this, but with online shopping it’s hard to tell. Even though you only have to count up to one, there’s still the potential for it all to go horribly wrong.
Anybody want a tiny tree?
The good news is – I have been asked to go on BBC radio to talk about my book and answer questions on a phone in.
The bad news is – it’s in the middle of the night.
El says not to worry as “you won’t be heard by normal people”. She has also given me this advice:
- Start off in a squeaky voice and get deeper and deeper as the interview progresses
- Don’t do it drunk
- Bring a book so if you don’t know the answer you can look it up
- Don’t get bored and start screaming out swear words
- Don’t bring in a radio so you can listen to yourself on the radio, as it is very confusing and the world might explode
- Do wear a fake moustache because no one can see you
- Do give the microphone a hug and say “I’m hugging all you lovely people” and then cry
So as long as I can remember all that, it should be OK
Wish me luck!
1. Jae often disappears to a strange place called a ‘gym’. I suspect brain washing.
2. Jae comes from Belfast and says things like “Wee” “Eejit” and “What the effin jeffin?” That last one is not Irish. She makes up words too.
3. Her favourite type of choccie is DARK! LIKE HER SOUL!!!!!!!!
4. Her glasses fire lazer beams. And leprechauns.
5. Once a year she disappears into a dark cave filled with dentists. And dreams. And a crocodile. BUT NO BOURBON BISCUITS!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, The KLF grew out of trees near Glastonbury Tor, and were the top pop shock rockers of the Nineties. They are cool and significant because:
- They burnt a million quid. They actually had the money in their hands and burnt it on a fire and called it art. Of course, they were locked up for it. These days, people in the government do that and get a knighthood.
- They drove an ice cream van.
- KLF stands for Kemp Love Foundation, named after their admiration for Gary and Martin Kemp who were also in a (less good) band of the era called Spandau Ballet. The less said about them, the better.
- They also recorded under the name The Timelords to release this song which you should turn up really loud if you’re playing it in your car.
This one is my favourite. It was recorded just after the KLF’s “Let’s get elephant tusks welded to our heads for a laugh” period. They’d never do that on X Factor:
Also known as the Justified Ancient of Eljae
Are you a grown up?
Do you not understand text speak?
Are you constantly asking yourself ‘Why has my child who can spell perfectly well sent me a text saying: Hi mum goin out wiv frnd plz giv cash i iz broke send me a txt ASAP luv u lol. What does it all mean?!’
If the answer to all these questions is yes then please read on…
The reason why kids use Text Speak is because typing on a mobile phone can be extremely hard. On my mobile phone I have to tap a button 4 times in quick succession to get the letter S. Blackberrys have minute buttons. iPhones on the other hand I personally find rather easy to use and if i ever text on either my mum or dad’s phone I don’t use text speak at all (mostly). However many people are not lucky enough to own this Apple luxury and resort to making words shorter to save time and effort. And thus Text Speak was born.
Another few reasons:
1. It looks funny
2. It annoys adults.
3. If aliens ever invade they won’t konw what we are going on about.
4. Also it is useful if you are a spy
5. Recent studys show that cats and giant pandas understand text speak. (I may have made that up.)
6. It looks coolr. Lol
A few bits of vocabulary:
lol= laugh out loud (not loads of lard as Jae thought it was)
asap=as soon as possible
ROFL=Rolling On the Floor Laughing
ROFLMAO= Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off
FML= F**k My Life
WTF= What The F**k
: ) = A Smiley face.
<3 = a heart.
OMG= Oh My God
IPM = I’ve Peed Myself
ISM = I’ve Pooed Myself
TMHM plz = Take Me Home Mum please
When Mama gets the hump she gets cross.
When Mama does the hump it’s like this:
We like this video because:
- it’s their real mums
- James Corden who was Craig in Doctor Who turns up
- James Corden does The Hump REALLY WELL
- James Corden is wearing all black like an emo
- there is a big cuddly dog at the start
- it looks like a real Brighton house
- he goes back and closes the door
- the dads just sit at the table
- one of Rizzle Kicks went to El’s school
- oh and we like the music as well
El & Jae
Doing the hump
The more hair you have, the happier you are!
This does not mean that people who are bald are unhappy, just that they would be more happy if they had more hair (mabye, it’s just a theory I have developed after watching The Simpsons).
We ALL had to go to the dentist’s this week. El and Jae had fillings, ElDad had a whole new tooth and Eye and Dennis the cat were super smug because they didn’t need to go. It was NO FUN AT ALL.
Honestly, what is the point of the dentist’s? Instead of teeth you could have
- Cheese carved into the shape of teeth
This would also be useful if you needed a snack
- Wooden teeth
If it was good enough for people in history then why not?
- Plastic chattery teeth with little feet that walk across the table
Might be a bit uncomfortable but you would never get bored
- Tiny iPods
So you could listen to music in your head
- Lego bricks
Would be nice and colourful but possibly get stuck together
- Alternate blocks of salt and sugar
It might taste a bit odd but it would look nice and white and you could easily break a bit off if you needed some sugar for your cup of tea or salt for your chips.
- Very mini mobile phones
You could dial a number by chattering your teeth, then the noise of the phone would come out of your mouth. Very useful if you got lost.
- Miniature hot water bottles
For people with cold mouths.
- Small flowers
Very pretty and would smell nice so good for people with bad breath.
- A piece of paper folded up very small with a short story written on it
So if you got bored you could take it out and read it.
- Tiny people
This is for the future when people can be miniaturised. So for example you could have a tiny Stephen Fry in your head and if you needed a witty comment he could help.
What do you suggest would be good alternatives to teeth?
El & Jae.
Parents forcing you to tidy your room? Having a sleepover in 5 mins? Your room looks like a bomb hit it?
To tidy your room quickly then just shove all of your clutter under your bed, desk, in a cupboard, anywhere where it won’t be seen. A song from the Simpsons explains:
The Fall were formed in Oldham in 1966 when Mark E Smith, fresh from winning Britain’s Angriest Man contest at Butlins (prize = an extra E for your name), was struck on the head by an orange falling from the sky.
That’s curious, he thought. I think I’ll form a band. Note flicky hair as later copied by Justin Bieber, who’s a big fan.
Later he wrote a song about the orange, and it all went a bit weird:
FASCINATING FACT which for once I am not making up at all – The woman playing guitar and riding a giant hamburger in that last video is now better known as fashion guru Brix Smith Start, who hangs out with Gok Wan:
Bet she misses the giant hamburger.